Balancing those Boundaries! (..and baring my soul-just a tad)

I've been wracking my brain trying to think of new topics to write about. 

Should I write about PPD?  Breastfeeding?  Recovery? Should I try to start a dialogue about parenting?

Recently, in taking stock of my well being, I've noticed a shift.  A shift in my attitude.  I'm more confident.   I'm able to be genuinely cheerful at work.  Smiling isn't as hard. 

Do I still overthink stuff? Yes.  Am I overly anxious about other's opinions? OH yeah!  Running through hypothetical scenarios where I'm being verbally/emotionally/physically attacked though my head and coming up with solutions and re-rebuttals?  Definitely.

I will always deal with anxiety.   And as a mother the worst case scenarios can be all consuming.  But I can choose to not be ruled by them.  Practicing grounding principals, setting an evening routine,  choosing to let go of insecurities and trust my partner and support group- these have helped me immensely.

Setting boundaries in my life has been huge.   Anxiety over my career wasn't lessened by becoming a mother.  In fact- it was MAGNIFIED.   How were we going to afford this?  How could we provide for our kid?  If we wanted more children (and we do), how would that work?

Also, when you don't feel satisfied or fulfilled at your job this makes for a compounded problem.  

But BOUNDARIES.  Those helped me re-evaluate the insecurities and hold the anxiety at bay.  Work is left at work.  At home, only my family has priority.  

When I'm at work, I'm 100% invested in whats going on, even if I feel unfulfilled by it.  I go to work because I love my family and it is what is needed to make ends meet.  Where I work is pretty cool and has some really great people.  I've also learned and grown there. But its not a "calling" for me.  I'm simply grateful for the opportunity provided.  Maybe one day I'll find a field I'm passionate about that also provides a sustainable income and benefits.

Thankfully where I work is very family friendly and understand that I need to pump.  To be available for family emergencies or events.  While I can't leave my desk to run errands or go to appointments, I can take calls and address things from my desk when needed.  There are times when I wish I could take off early because I feel like there are things at my house that need my attention more than work.

I feel more fulfilled and purposeful taking care of my family than I do in my "career."  That's no the case for everyone.  And this post is not to shame those who feel differently.  This is simply how I feel about my life and circumstances, cope with and enjoy them.  My children and husband will always be my highest priority and I get more joy from caring for them than anything else.  So as I leave my kid each morning, I remind myself that I do this for her.

Your next question may be, " Ok, but don't you need to take care of yourself?"  Yes, yes I do.   That's where BOUNDARIES come in.  Boundaries and balance. 

While at work, I handle work first and answer personal calls/texts after completing a task.  When at home, my phone gets set down and rarely picked up.  I even tend to miss calls from my husband!  My focus is on enjoying my time with my daughter, while also trying to catch up on stuff like cleaning, laundry, dinner, meal prep, and any errands that need to be done. Having a clean house and good dinner is a type of self-love for me.  Sure, not all the messes are mine, but I'm not cleaning them because I'm expected to.  I take care of it because I want to. 

Changing diapers, kissing boo-boos, cooking dinner, wiping up messes.  All these things are fulfilling to me. They are not meaningless.  They do not go unnoticed.  I'm rewarded sometimes with tears, screams, more food on the carpet, or a plate of uneaten food left on the counter.  Other times there are hugs, sloppy kisses, giggles, and lots of sweet, cozy snuggles.  There's a balance.  It might not be what was initially envisioned at the time, but its there.  All of the above means more to me than any kudos from a boss, bonus, or perks.  The job is temporary in the long term, its a means to an end.  My family?  My family is that end the means are for. Does that make sense?

So much love for all of you who made it through this week's rambling post!   

I hope that sharing my thoughts and feelings wasn't too weird and that maybe some of you are able to relate.  Feel free to share in the comments below YOUR thoughts and feeling about family, work, callings, and boundaries you've found to be useful!

Also, do have any questions about being a new mom and going back to work?  OR are there any topics you're interested in reading about?

Let me know!  I'd love to hear from you!

Mother's Day

First off: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!  To all mothers everywhere!

Here I continue the story of how I became a mother.

Everyone has expectations for labor.   Everyone has a different experience.   Lucky for you guys this tale is pretty G-rated.

There are several stages of labor and differing ways to "induce" labor.  I had already experienced Early Labor and some Active Labor by  the beginning of my third trimester.  Since I was already dilated to a 6 a month before my due date, my doctors warned me to come in once I experienced contractions less than 5 minutes apart.  They expected this baby to come FAST.

I made it up to the week of my due date, working up to the last week of my pregnancy.   At my final check up we made the decision to a membrane sweep 2 days before the "official" date to get things moving along and check on baby.  This was how that week went leading up to labor.

Monday: First day off work. Baby due Thursday.  I cleaned house, scrubbed floors, organized, and tried to stay busy.  I hated waiting and had binged my favorite Netflix already when I had been sick a few months back.  There was a lot of yoga ball time.  I also drank as much Raspberry Leaf tea as I could.

Tuesday: Second day off work.  Went to the OB's office.  Everything was good!  So dilated, I didn't feel the membrane sweep.  Doctor confirmed that she could feel the baby's head and we listened the the heartbeat.  Back at the house I found more stuff to clean, hung out on my yoga ball, and drank more tea!

Wednesday: Third day off work.  Got a bit stir crazy. Walked a lot.  Made sure the fridge and freezer were stocked and ready.  My house would be clean for the next month!  Sam and I made sure we enjoyed what time we had together as just the 2 of us.  We visited some family, listened to stories of Costa Rica, ate some VERY good dark chocolate, and went home.  Yes, Dark Chocolate is one of those things that are supposed to help induce labor.  The rest of the evening was nice and quiet.   I took a nice, long relaxing shower and took time with my hair afterwards.

Still Wednesday:  Have you ever heard of the Bloody Show?  or the Mucus Plug?  Well you should.  Because both things show up wayyyy before the infamous Water Break.  They compose the layers that separate the sack your baby is in from the opening the baby will come out.  They are removed when the baby is pushing downward because the uterus is constricting.  Their names are descriptive enough for you to figure out what to look for as a pregnant woman.  Mucus and light blood.  Most women don't even notice it since the blood is usually so light. Especially if they have already experience spotting throughout the pregnancy.

Welp, mine SHOWED that evening.   I took it easy and waited for noticeable/painful contractions.  Having already experienced them earlier in my pregnancy, it was pretty easy to identify the stronger ones when they came.  And did they!   Within an hour they were 5 min apart and as we drove to the hospital they got to less than 4 min apart.

We were admitted and shown to a room to monitor my contractions before being taken to Labor and Delivery.  It was probably around 11pm.  By then the contractions were steadily 3-4 min apart.  They hooked me up to a monitor and supplied me with a yoga ball in the Labor/Delivery room. They offered me an epidural when I was admitted, but I declined since the pain was still manageable and my water hadn't broke yet.

I was tired.  I kept moving about during the contractions, utilizing the ball and walking around.  At times I laid on my side.  For some reason, the contractions slowed down again.  This was frustrating since I had been hoping for a relatively fast labor.  BUT it was a blessing in disguise since it gave me the opportunity to rest, and catch my breath before the big show.

Thursday: By 7 am my water still had not broke on its own.  We decided my OB would go ahead and do the honors.  Again, no pain, just warm liquid running down my leg. (yup, ladies its just like wetting your pants) Once that was out of the way, the REALLY BIG ONES came.  Fast and furious.  The kind that have you arching your back and clinging to the bed rail. any movement at all that could distract. 

Unfortunately for me, the pain on my right side was unbearable.  I had been experiencing severe groin/pelvic pain near my right hip for the last month, chalking it up to the baby's position pinching a nerve.  During labor, there was pressure and pain on my left side, but it was not the blinding sharpness that I had on my right.  My body went into shock from the pain and I began to throw up, my body in tremors.  At this point I realized that I would probably blackout.  I had no control over my body and its reactions at this point.  It wasn't responding, just going into shock.

Since they already had to hook me up to an IV for penicillin because I was Strep B positive, I decided to go ahead and try an epidural.  What the heck?  I was already stuck with one needle and was having trouble not throwing up my guts.  The nurse (I loved her, still remember her name too!) had me sit on the edge of the bed and held me while the doctor administered the epidural.  I didn't see it, didn't even feel it.  They talked me through it and explained what I should be feeling and how it would work once in place and secured.  They even explained that they could go higher up my spine if  needed since for some people the epidural was less effective lower down.  They go lower initially so that the woman is able to be more aware of whats going on and push effectively without harming herself.  In my case, because apparently I have some scoliosis (which I wouldn't have found out without getting the epidural), I had to have them return to adjust the epidural.

I realize for some women at some hospitals this is traumatic.  My experience was far from traumatic.  The doctor and nurse were amazing.  The adjustment went exactly like the first, painless. No discomfort.  Seriously, I had the best team on the floor that morning. The only thing that hurt was the tape they had used to anchor the first needle and had to rip off in order to make the adjustment.  Once the epidural was in place, I had control of how much was administered.  The tremors went away, I was able to eat some Italian ice (lemonade flavored - YUM!!) and the parade began.

So, no one tells you this, but when you are the oldest children on both sides and your families both live in town EVERYONE SHOWS UP.  There was a constant parade of people coming in and out to check on me and how I was progressing.  The epidural didn't slow down my contractions too much since I was already well into Transition phase when I received it.  By then I was probably 12-14 hours into labor.  The doctor visited and checked the dilation every once in a while.

I was able to relax, my husband and his 2 youngest brothers came in and goofed off on the peanut ball (big yoga ball shaped like Mr. Peanut).  They put on a sock show, cracked jokes and kept me laughing.  I distinctly remember just wanting to watch old cartoons.  I had the Flintstones theme song running through my head and intermittently muttering "Yabadabadoo!"  It was a good time.

Eventually, sometime that afternoon it was show time.  For those wondering, yes, I hadn't eaten solid food since the day before.  I had been in labor over 12 hrs and been moving around or dozing for over half of that before I ever was attached to an IV, epidural, and catheter (which didn't register to me till later- that how good my nurse was).

To revisit the subject of family again- don't be afraid to kick people out.  The only people who need to be with you are the doctor and nurse and the father of your child.   Anyone else has no business there unless you specifically invited them to be present.  Part of the nurse's job is to make sure her workspace is cleared for her and the doctor to successfully and safely deliver your baby.   Let her kick anyone out that is not contributing to the delivery.  Mine did and I loved her for it.

There was only one person I hadn't planned on being there.  My sister. She 10 years younger than me, but happened to be on visiting rotation when the doctor said it was time.   I didn't think twice about letting her stay.  The nurse and doctor directed her and my husband as they coached me to push.  My sister was on my left and my husband was on my right.  Since my legs were numb from the epidural,  they held my legs and spoke encouragement as I curled up my torso and used the abdominal muscles I'd toned most my life.  I can't remember exactly how many it took, but it was around 3-5 pushes and Lucy was out.  Definitely 3 to get her head all the way out and a couple more for good measure.


She was ready and rarin' to go when she came.  The doctor had a bit of a shock when Lucy turned her head as sh4 left the birth canal.   Apparently new-borns don't typically have that type of muscle control.  (you know, the whole "they can't support their head" thing) She was wiped down, checked, and cord cut - not all in that order!  Almost immediately,  I was holding my baby girl in my arms, soothing her shocked newborn tears as she adjusted to her new environment.  I will never forget those moments.

As I wrap up this post on Mother's Day morning, I'm sitting on the floor in my pjs.  My daughter is clinging to my arm and crawling all over me.  And I couldn't be happier.